I thought I was going to gain a ton of followers but instead I learned a lot about myself.
When I was younger I dreamt of becoming a Suicide Girl. For those of you who don’t know them (OMG WHAT?), these beautiful ladies became famous for embracing beauty in every shape and form – meaning bodies covered in tattoos, bright colored hair, and being outside of traditional beauty norms, were celebrated. The name comes from the idea that women who commit “social suicide” by being different come together.
In the past I dipped my feet into modeling, but 100% as a hobby, and I always took it as something fun and meaningless that didn’t define me. That was until I got turned down for a job because, as the HR person put it, they had found photos of me that were “too provocative” on the internet, and that was unprofessional.
Things haven’t changed much in the past 10 years. Recently Kim Kardashian got heavily criticized for posting a naked selfie of herself on Instagram. There was a whole debate as to whether or not this was empowering, and if it was something a mom should do or not. Piers Morgan even called it the end of feminism.
So, after asking my boss for permission – I didn’t want to get in trouble again, but yes that was a very uncomfortable email to send – I undressed in front of the camera, and here’s what I learned.
Here are some amazing Suicide Girls doing their thing. This is what I was aiming to imitate.
When I told him the crazy idea I had, while lying in bed on Saturday morning, there was little reaction from his side – which kind of scared me a bit. How is he going to feel when I’m naked on the internet? How is he going to handle the horny commenters? How will he deal with me when I break down in tears because someone is trolling me?
His reaction surprised me beyond expectations.
He was the one who took all the photos. He even told me how to pose and helped fix my underwear and hair. We spent a morning playing the roles of model and photographer, and by the end he said he’d be happy to do it again because he had so much fun.
When I started uploading the photos my insecurities invaded my head, and he was there to assure me a million times that the photos were great and I had nothing to worry about.
In the past, I’ve had boyfriends who were extremely jealous and were willing to start a fist fight if someone even looked at me on the street. Others tried to break my self-confidence by saying things like “what is my family going to think of me?” when I proposed crazy ideas like this one (which happens very often). But the confidence of my boyfriend during this project, and especially all the love he had in his eyes every time I got nervous about it, made me fall for him a million times more.